my brother the magician
Geneva is 36 and separated from an abusive partner. Her younger brother has developed a crazy notion that he is some sort of magician who can heal her wounds and attract a wonderful new relationship into her life.
"Our society appears to be totally based on magical thinking as far as love and marriage is concerned," sighs Geneva. "and it's about time that people stopped fooling themselves about 'special' people and 'sacred' marriages and 'dreamy' relationships because it only leads to misery."
"I was raised on all the silly love songs and mawky movies just like my brother and everyone else was," sighs Geneva, "and even when I'd experienced an abusive marriage I still magically believed that someone special was out there waiting for me - all I had to do was find him - but the realities of my situation knocked the rose tint from my glasses pretty quickly."
"The only people 'out there' were abusive men and abused women, like me, left over from failed relationships," says Geneva, "and being alone and happy suddenly seemed like a far better way to live my life than ending up in another potentially abusive relationship."
"My brother can conjure up all the voodoo he wants to," says Geneva, "but there's no way any man is capable of giving me a wonderful relationship. I have a happy relationship with myself and the world around me and that's about as much as anyone can hope for. Sex is sex, but mix it with love and attachment and magical ideas about two people being destined for each other for the rest of their lives and that's a prescription for hell."
"As well-meaning as he may be," sighs Geneva, "my brother might have stopped and listened to the pain in my voice when he was raking up the past in an attempt to heal my 'wounds' and make me happier than I am already."
"I have no wounds - they healed the day I separated," explains Geneva. "In effect, by raking up the past he was cutting open the healed scars of my old wounds. It was the new cut he made that hurt me, not the old cut."
"Deeply abused people - like tortured prisoners of war - heal themselves by a slow and painful process," says Geneva. "Firstly, they need to heal their soul by facing all of the facts of the abuse - a process involving incredible inner strength and the ability to let go, hold no grudges and move on. Secondly, they need to heal their body by building up its strength and making themselves healthy and attractive - a process involving a certain degree of self-indulgent vanity and money. Lastly, they need to heal their relationship with the world around them by letting go of magical beliefs and accepting the world and everyone in it as they are, warts and all."
"The human world like the animal world is full of abusers and predators who prey on others," says Geneva, "and those who believe otherwise are doomed to live in cuckoo land."
"No matter our size, we've all been endowed by Nature with the inner strength to heal ourselves," says Geneva, "but we've been conditoned by magical thinking to believe bad things shouldn't happen to us and when they do we dump on others expecting them to make everything right for us -- and then we make ourselves more vulnerable than ever."
"And when a person suffers additional hurts or cannot form a lasting relationship our magical thinking society labels that person 'unhealed' or 'in error' and in need of therapy," sighs Geneva. "Someone needs to stop this madness! Who said that human beings need exclusive, loving relationships? Why can't we have sex and nick off like the animals do?"
"As long as we are conditioned to magically believe in love and marriage and all that nonsense we are never going to be a strong society alert to abusers and predators," says Geneva. "I suppose it's not in the interests of the powers that be -- the predators and abusers -- to get us to face the truth. They have a vested interest in our clinging to silly beliefs and being miserable!."
""Forming relationships is a very risky business because everyone gets hurt in them," says Geneva, "but because we cling to magical beliefs we are unable to end hurtful or lopsided relationships before they become abusive or oppressive."
"Healing their relationship with the world does not imply that abuse survivors cannot form another relationship," explains Geneva. "It simply means that they feel good about their place in the world and are capable of engaging in mutually enhancing relationships if they want to. For me, being able to smile at strangers and chat with them is something I once couldn't do, but I feel comfortable about it now. I won't say that I will never have another relationship, but I will say that it's a choice open to me and one that I feel no need to take right now."
"If my brother wants to help people then there are millions of people going through all manner of miseries in the world today who need a shoulder to cry on until their wounds can heal," sighs Geneva. "Why is he wasting his talent on people like me who have done their crying and are already healed?"
"My brother the magician cannot pull a rabbit out of a hat and wipe away my bad memories," says Geneva, "and by dragging them up all he succeeded in doing was making me re-live them."
"I appreciate that he wants to show me that not all men are abusers," sighs Geneva, "but who knows what he would be like in a committed relationship like marriage?"
"You just don't know whether you're a victim or an abuser until you find yourself in a situation which brings to the fore parts of yourself that you never knew existed," explains Geneva. "And because my brother has yet to find himself in such a situation, he cannot claim to be a good guy, someone devoid of abusive tendencies and capable of bringing to my table someone as magical as himself."
"The trouble with my brother -- and all men, perhaps," adds Geneva, "is that they start feeling uncomfortably redundant around women who show no need for a man in their lives."
"Our society appears to be totally based on magical thinking as far as love and marriage is concerned," sighs Geneva. "and it's about time that people stopped fooling themselves about 'special' people and 'sacred' marriages and 'dreamy' relationships because it only leads to misery."
"I was raised on all the silly love songs and mawky movies just like my brother and everyone else was," sighs Geneva, "and even when I'd experienced an abusive marriage I still magically believed that someone special was out there waiting for me - all I had to do was find him - but the realities of my situation knocked the rose tint from my glasses pretty quickly."
"The only people 'out there' were abusive men and abused women, like me, left over from failed relationships," says Geneva, "and being alone and happy suddenly seemed like a far better way to live my life than ending up in another potentially abusive relationship."
"My brother can conjure up all the voodoo he wants to," says Geneva, "but there's no way any man is capable of giving me a wonderful relationship. I have a happy relationship with myself and the world around me and that's about as much as anyone can hope for. Sex is sex, but mix it with love and attachment and magical ideas about two people being destined for each other for the rest of their lives and that's a prescription for hell."
"As well-meaning as he may be," sighs Geneva, "my brother might have stopped and listened to the pain in my voice when he was raking up the past in an attempt to heal my 'wounds' and make me happier than I am already."
"I have no wounds - they healed the day I separated," explains Geneva. "In effect, by raking up the past he was cutting open the healed scars of my old wounds. It was the new cut he made that hurt me, not the old cut."
"Deeply abused people - like tortured prisoners of war - heal themselves by a slow and painful process," says Geneva. "Firstly, they need to heal their soul by facing all of the facts of the abuse - a process involving incredible inner strength and the ability to let go, hold no grudges and move on. Secondly, they need to heal their body by building up its strength and making themselves healthy and attractive - a process involving a certain degree of self-indulgent vanity and money. Lastly, they need to heal their relationship with the world around them by letting go of magical beliefs and accepting the world and everyone in it as they are, warts and all."
"The human world like the animal world is full of abusers and predators who prey on others," says Geneva, "and those who believe otherwise are doomed to live in cuckoo land."
"No matter our size, we've all been endowed by Nature with the inner strength to heal ourselves," says Geneva, "but we've been conditoned by magical thinking to believe bad things shouldn't happen to us and when they do we dump on others expecting them to make everything right for us -- and then we make ourselves more vulnerable than ever."
"And when a person suffers additional hurts or cannot form a lasting relationship our magical thinking society labels that person 'unhealed' or 'in error' and in need of therapy," sighs Geneva. "Someone needs to stop this madness! Who said that human beings need exclusive, loving relationships? Why can't we have sex and nick off like the animals do?"
"As long as we are conditioned to magically believe in love and marriage and all that nonsense we are never going to be a strong society alert to abusers and predators," says Geneva. "I suppose it's not in the interests of the powers that be -- the predators and abusers -- to get us to face the truth. They have a vested interest in our clinging to silly beliefs and being miserable!."
""Forming relationships is a very risky business because everyone gets hurt in them," says Geneva, "but because we cling to magical beliefs we are unable to end hurtful or lopsided relationships before they become abusive or oppressive."
"Healing their relationship with the world does not imply that abuse survivors cannot form another relationship," explains Geneva. "It simply means that they feel good about their place in the world and are capable of engaging in mutually enhancing relationships if they want to. For me, being able to smile at strangers and chat with them is something I once couldn't do, but I feel comfortable about it now. I won't say that I will never have another relationship, but I will say that it's a choice open to me and one that I feel no need to take right now."
"If my brother wants to help people then there are millions of people going through all manner of miseries in the world today who need a shoulder to cry on until their wounds can heal," sighs Geneva. "Why is he wasting his talent on people like me who have done their crying and are already healed?"
"My brother the magician cannot pull a rabbit out of a hat and wipe away my bad memories," says Geneva, "and by dragging them up all he succeeded in doing was making me re-live them."
"I appreciate that he wants to show me that not all men are abusers," sighs Geneva, "but who knows what he would be like in a committed relationship like marriage?"
"You just don't know whether you're a victim or an abuser until you find yourself in a situation which brings to the fore parts of yourself that you never knew existed," explains Geneva. "And because my brother has yet to find himself in such a situation, he cannot claim to be a good guy, someone devoid of abusive tendencies and capable of bringing to my table someone as magical as himself."
"The trouble with my brother -- and all men, perhaps," adds Geneva, "is that they start feeling uncomfortably redundant around women who show no need for a man in their lives."
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